My new LiveJournal is here soapyhermit.

I've added most of you to my friends there so please add me back.

See you all over there!

Today, in the bucketing rain (and on my scooter), I went down to my drama group's storage space to help paint the scenery for The Wizard of Oz.

The building is also used by other drama groups in the area so it's a building full of old props and flatboards with scenes painted on and costumes - I didn't go very far into the costume store because I'm sure I would have become lost instantly - and all in all being there has made me very excited and determined to, one day, put this damn script on stage.

A good day. A wet day.

My arse is still very painful. When I walk, when I stand up, sit down... pretty much any movement that involves my lower back.

For anyone who doesn't know, I fell down the stairs on my bum yesterday.

Ugh. I hope it doesn't stay like this for too long.

I bet this is where they got the phrase pain in the arse from. Or maybe that was something else ;)

Date:	2006-10-18 19:44
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Today was a kind of shite day. I went into school and started to write my personal statement which I showed to Mr peddie and which is subsequently pulled to bits. Basically, he said it was crap.

I'm in such a state these days that I felt the immediate need to go into the hole under the stairs at school and stay there for a while. Stupidly, I started crying and feeling totally overwhelmed and useless. I hate feeling like that.

Another thing that is getting to me is this confidence hermity business. I know you guys (sraffies) don't really understand it, but I just find it so difficult to get out there and meet new people. It's not about not wanted to, or not needing to (because I definitely need to) it's about feeling totally awkward and out of place with people I meet in real life for the first time. I mean, it's not even for the first time. I often feel... unnatural and awkward in myself when I'm with people I've known for a while. Like I'm different, in a bad way. And, as I say, like I want to crawl into a small space and stay there. I think that's why I like that hole under the stairs. I think I should get everyone to make a space like that for me to crawl into when I feel shitty.

But it's annoying me because I wish I could be like other people.

Ack. I have a headache. I need some water because I'm thirsty and I need to sleep. And I need someone to buy flowers for.

I feel kinda shitty today. And frustrated. Very frustrated. I wish I had more to say.

Guess what! Guess what!

No? Nothing?

I'm home! Wheeeeeeeeee.

How was it, i hear you cry? Iowa was nice. Lots of fresh corn and babies. I only spent two days tehre, not enough time at all. I will go back again, I expect to get to know Mimi (my step-sister) and her husband Yitzy and their kids, Zalmy and Sheyna.
New York wasn't quite what I expected it to be. I didn't feel the buzz I thought I would, and I didn't get the feeling of being in the middle of something living and huge and busy that I get wehn I'm in central London.

Saying that, tehre were good things. The Broadway show we saw - Rent - was very good. My dad didn't enjoy it much but it's not really for his generation, so that's not surprising. It also gave me some good ideas for Moulin Rouge and confirmed some things I can do that I've written into the script. Yay!

The view from the Empire State building was, of course, incredible and Ground Zero was pretty... incredible too. A big hole in the ground with a building site. I have pictures.

Anyway, catch you all around later.

Date:	2006-08-30 05:20
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	"Something Is Wrong" by Phantom Planet

Why will nobody rescue me?

I think that saying I've been alone my entire life would be incorrect. I think people develop a certain sense of needing someone else at some point in their life and that point differs person-to-person.

I'm the kind that develop early like that. I think I just want to be loved. I feel so lonely at the moment, and it's not because I am alone in the house. I don't think it's a weakness to need or want someone else in my life.

Perhaps the people who don't want anyone else in their life are the ones that don't end up feeling lonely like this. Maybe I should be one of them, and pretend that I can do it alone.

I just had the strangest feeling of nostalgia mixed with forgetting the present ever.

I know what my brother sounds like when he's running up stairs. I've heard him run up stairs for, what... 15 years? and then I heard a door shut just opposite my own door and for more than one moment I thought I was back in my old house, in the room I grew up in. Mostly because Joel's door isn't opposite mine anymore and because I couldn't place what I had heard in the new house, so I imagined the old house. And then I struggled, even after I had realised something was wrong, to realise that outside of my current bedroom door is a totally different hall to the one outside my old bedroom.

I had forgotten that the bathroom door in this house is just next to my bedroom door and that must be where Joel ran into. It was an exremely strange experience!

Also, a few years ago long before we moved house I moved down the hall to a different room so I was no longer opposite his which made it an even stranger sensation.

There is one butt-ugly dog downstairs.

Yuck.

I miss having someone to kiss. Watching romantic comedies does not help, because at the end when they kiss it makes you go Awwwww! inside and melt a little bit.

*needs someone to snuggle with*

I'm down today. Funny how parents, who are supposed to be there to make you feel better, are often the ones that bring you down. I had a fight with my mum earlier today and, as is her way of attempting to win an argument, she decided to throw into it the fact that she'd rather I were going to uni this year and that I'm pretty much useless and blah blah blah.

So now I feel useless.

We were at our storage space thingy at the time, and after I had done what I went there to do (take some pictures of a desk) I drove home and wasn't exactly being a safe driver. Took my anger out on the road, I guess. It was a bit scary, because I knew I shouldn't be driving like that, but at the same time was exhilarating.

Then I dropped my mum off and drove off down the road to this park thingy that I used to go to when I was feeling really stressed and like I wanted to do Stupid Things. I walked around and remembered the places where certain events involving a bottle of vodka and a passed-out Sophie happened over two years ago.

Meh.

My mother is as mean as she is stupid.

I guess I ought to make a post about this.

It feels a little better today now that I have my module break downs. For economics, it was one measly unit that brought my entire grade down to a C. I got an E in unit 6 so if I can retake that and just get it up to a C then my entire grade will go up to B.

BBB ain't so bad.

English is more complicated because I got all Bs and As, just more Bs than As. If I want to bring that up to an overall A i need to take more than a few modules again.

What I think I will do is re-apply for the same course (Philosaopy and English) again and also another course that I already have the grades for at Sussex.  I'll keep the one I already have the grades for as my insurance and the other one just in case there's a miracle with my retakes.

Now to find a job....

Date:	2006-08-13 01:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	"Human Trace" by Clayhill

Robert, I wish I were a gay man just so that I could love you forever and ever in every way possible.

And I miss you.

I've lapsed terribly with my friends entries but Raevyn has reminded me about them and so today I shall do Gemma.

Gemma is born in January and is one of the cleverest and most hard-working people I know. Gemma has one rather clumsy brother called Adam who is in his twenties somewhere. Gemma is going to Cambridge university after a gap year to read history.  Gemma likes sappy films like the Notebook but also likes Finding Nemo and Shrek and stuff. She's obsessed with Mr Dawes and wants to marry him :P or it might just be that she needs his help...I never know. Gemma is also known as Gemima Steinfart, although she doesn't like to admit it. Gemma likes rainbow hats and toe socks thingies but doesn't like spiders or exams. Gemma has a cute giggle (IMO) and has a thing for Mancunian twins. Gemma likes to sing, but admits freely that she can't do it very well. Gemma is always far too logical for her own good (or mine). I don't appreciate Gemma nearly as much as I should and I will really miss her when she's away. Gemma rules

I heart Gemma.

I feel quite a bit better today, although I'm still feeling sick from having stayed up all night.

I like being a teenager again :)

I think i'd prefer not to feel anything at all, ever. It'd make life more bearable, even if it'd make it pointless.

If you don't want to read a rant, skip this. Just venting.

I know I said all that stuff about never really loving her but that doesn't stop me being depressed. I did care about her and I was fond of her, even if by the end she made me angry and frustrated. which is why it hurts so much, you know. You say to someone that you won't contact them but let them know they can contact you whenever they want, and it's supposed to be an invitation for them to get their act together. And you say to yourself "she'll suddenly realise that she does have feelings for me and that she doesn't want to be alone, deep down" and that after a few days she'll get in touch and make an effort. You know, that's what you say to yourself.

But then she doesn't and you wonder, because you've got all these visions in your mind of her calling or turning up at your house begging for your forgiveness and wanting to be friends, you wonder if really she just doesn't care. if really she would rather be alone, spending her birthday alone or something, not thinking of you at all, sleeping fine at night and without the need of Baileys to take the edge off. But you can't go back on your word because you know it won't do a damn fucking thing except put you back where you were and show her exactly how you're still fucking tied to her even if she takes no notice.

And you also realise that you can't undo what you've done and the urge to go visit Marcelle and make her see sense vanishes because you're afraid she'll just reject you again. Which she probably will, even though last night you dreamt you spoke to her and we had a very emotional reunion. And you're on the verge of tears when you think about it because you're so damn lonely. And all you really want is to be loved but nobody will love you in that way. Sure, you have friends who love you but they won't kiss you on the forehead and tell you everything will be OK and take your heart, your most important possession, and put it in their wallet for safe keeping.

The worst thing is that I don't even need to make this friends-only, like I thought I did. She doesn't check my LJ anymore (if she ever did) so I can say all I want and it doesn't matter, not to her anyway.

Zari says to me "we'll take you to the Candy Bar and get you someone new" and you smile and say  "yeah, sure" even though you know I won't find anyone at the Candy Bar because I can't, and never could, approach new people because I'm too much of a pussy. I did a questionnaire in G3 yesterday "which L Word character are you?". Dana, I was "When it comes to women you are shy and expect them to come to you first, but don't mind taking a more active role, especially sexually, once you are in a relationship." Well, that's me.

*sighs*